Thursday, February 16, 2012

change is HARD

Note: This post is definitely out of character for me. Unfortunately my life is not a perfect script, and sometimes I go through hard times and I have to keep it real. I am weary to write this because I don't want family and friends to worry... but like I said, keepin' it real.

This is the first full week I've spent in our home. We moved (almost) 3 Saturdays ago and then I left town for 2 weeks straight. One week I worked at the salon and the next week I was babysitting. I haven't been around long enough for it to sink in that this is our new home, until now. Sadly, I am NOT loving the idea.
I am homesick for northern Utah. I never thought I'd feel this way, but I do! I think it's because that is the first time that Eric and I truly started our lives on our own. No parents, no comfort zones, no familiarity. It was just me and him, relying on each other. We did have a few friends living up there who definitely helped make the transition easier. But for the most part we built our life from scratch... together. And we built a very happy life. I can't get over how many amazing friends we have up there. And the old relationships that we were able to build up were amazing, too. I loved the city life and all the adventures it offered. Living in this small town is definitely going to take some getting used to.
There was definitely a period of time where I had some dark days up there. I haven't really talked about it because it's not something I like to think about, or have people worrying about. Between the change of location, raging hormones, horrid acne, and the dreary winter, it is safe to say that I had a major case of the winter blues. I never realized how bad it was until summer was coming to an end and I was dreading winter like I'd never dreaded anything before. I remember a specific time when I should have realized how bad of a place I was in.... one of my best friends had her baby and I went to the hospital to visit. Her family and in law family were there and everyone was SO happy. And for good reason, right? Well, I remember sitting there watching them and feeling so out of place. I was just wishing that I had something in my life to be happy about (I am a happy girl. That was NOT normal for me.) There were days, maybe weeks (I can't remember) that I just didn't want to get out of bed. I had no reason to get up! So I stayed in bed or lounged around until an hour or so before Eric would get home from work. Then I'd hurry to shower and clean house. I don't think he knew how bad things were for me. I would snap out of it when I was around people or working, but for awhile I was one very depressed girl.
I share this because I am terrified of going back to that dark place. I am praying that with each major change in my life, my mind doesn't go fall back into that pit. I have an amazing husband who would do anything for me. He deserves this job and the happiness it brings him. I feel so guilty for being so sad that we moved here, because I don't want to bring him down. I realize that it's all hitting me really hard because this is the first time it's all sinking in. I know I'll make new friends. I know that I'll get into a routine and this will feel like home. I know that being closer to my salon and being able to work part time each week instead of one week a month will make me happy. I know that I'll probably look back in a few years and say that I loved living here.... But right now I miss my friends. Right now I miss the city. Right now I miss that life. It may be dramatic but right now? Right now I am so, so sad.

57 comments:

lori said...

i totally understand where you're at right now. it is tough some times moving away from all you know and love. my recommendation is to try to do something every day that makes you happy... whether its finding a new book, and reading in the tub... or blogging from a coffee shop (this is my current way to get out of the house... you wouldn't believe how much it improves my mood!) also, exercising in the morning has helped me SO much.

no one expects you to be happy ALL the time... its a tough adjustment!

Katy said...

Change IS incredibly hard. Keep your head up and talk to your husband and friends about how you feel. Nothing can cheer you up better than a good, long phone conversation with the people you love and miss! I hope you get settled in soon!

Leah said...

Changes really are hard, especially moving. I've been though those same low points you mentioned a few times over the past 6 years. I've moved a few times and with each move I feel like I'd hit rock bottom for different reasons but then things would eventually get easier. I hope things start to get easier for you!!

Jessica said...

I'm so sorry you are feeling sad right now. I know exactly how you are feeling. I think every time I go through a major life change I feel like I dip into a bout of sadness and depression. I hope that all these new changes will bring positive things for you!

J and A said...

Change is do hard. I'm sorry you are feeling sad. Sending hugs and better days to come.

Elisha(: said...

awwhh I'm sorry your sad..and your right!! Change IS hard!! /:

Whitney Leigh said...

change is not something anyone really likes. It is ok to feel sad and out of place, but remember you have your husband still. :) And a new home to begin another new adventure with. Good luck!!
xoxo
Whitney Leigh

Clayton And Leslee Family said...

Hi Beautiful Girl! Thank you for sharing this today. Please know you are not alone! More of us go through the feelings you are having than most will admit! I have my weeks that I feel so un motivated! I've gotten good at hiding it...but it's a constant battle even when nothing has changed around me. I love Lori's advice. Easier said than done....but find one thing a day to be grateful for and to do for your self. I also find that writing Snail Mail to your friends up north sometimes helps too. I have friends in other states and on my down days I try to focus my thoughts on them and what they might need. It lifts my spirits to try and make their day. Then in return I usually find a letter in the mail on the days I need it most.....because they were thinking of me too. contact me if you need anything. I'm always happy to email while I'm at work. message me and I will email you my work email. Keep that chin up! You are amazing! and I LOVE reading your blog!!

Sarah said...

You poor thing. If anyone can relate it's definitely me. Just hang in there. At least you know the silver lining is on it's way it's just a matter of it getting here. Blogging really helps get out of these kinds of slumps. It forces you to look at take pictures of the little things that are beautiful and it gives you a sense of accomplishment when it's posted. We just moved away from all our family and friends due to a job change too. We'll both get through this =)

- Sarah
http://agirlintransit.blogspot.com

Becca and Derek said...

Thank you for sharing. Change is always hard, no matter if it's for the best or worst. Know that you 2 are such an eye-catching couple! You will make friends in no time! Keep yourself open and you will soon love your home! We are moving soon so I might be feeling like this too....

Ashley said...

Hang in there! I think you just described the past few years of my life. Moving from MI to CO... and now CO to FL. Moving and change IS hard. If it was easy everyone would do it, right? The great thing is it always gets better. I am so thankful for our move to FL because like you said now my husband and I really rely on each other, and it's been a great thing for our marriage. (Also stressful at times) Plus there are so many birds to see in Florida! ;)

Cling to what you LOVE. Everything will work out for you and Eric. I just know it. (:

Cami said...

HUGS

Allyson said...

Aww... Change is really hard! I'm pretty much terrible at it. I have never moved in my life so when I went away to college it was the worst. Now I go home every weekend and still miss it and the ones I love during the week. You are in my thoughts and prayers. I think it's good you blogged about it. It's good to get those emotions out and talk to people! :)

Alexis Kaye said...

Poor girl. My heart feels for you. Change is so hard. I kind of feel like I'm in this place right now. And It's hard. It's hard to get out. Help me get out! Maybe that will help you. But either way, I know you're so strong. You can do this.

Natalie said...

Change is incredibly hard. I think you are strong enough to not let yourself get back in that place. Hugs!

The Presutti's said...

I know what kind of times you are going through. I'm praying for you during these times :) love you :)

Bree said...

I'm sorry Court! Change is hard! I'll keep you in my prayers! I don't want you to go back to that dark place, I've been there and it's so hard. I remember doing the exact same thing, staying in bed until right before Colby got home and the hurrying and getting ready and cleaning so they don't find out. Keep your chin up girl! I know you can do this!!

Julie said...

You've just gotta know that things ALWAYS get better...AND you have one another, the most important! You and your hubby will grow stronger and closer together through this experience I'm sure. I know I would feel the same way if I was in your position but we have to learn that great things come with change : )

Michelle P said...

I'm sorry, I hope things get better.

Valerie Griffin said...

Praying for you, sweet girl

Breakfast at the Zemke's said...

Change is very hard for me too. Even the smallest changes throw me for a loop and it takes time for me to adjust. Stick with it and it will get easier!

Allyssa
breakfastatthezemkes.blogspot.com

Nichole said...

Girrrrl, I can SO relate. I just lost my job two weeks ago. It was a blessing in disguise b/c I was miserable at mt last job. But because I don't want to take just ANY job again, I'm searching for something that I love...it sounds great but I am a people person and usually very bubbly. In just these two weeks, I have been very OFF. When you said you would lay around for hours and kind of snap out of it in time for your hubs, I GET THAT. I have been doing the same thing. I don't know what the hell is wrong w/ me b/c this isn't my norm...hopefully your blues will pass soon.

Lauren @ A modern day wife's journey said...

So sorry friend,thinking of you during this hard time and hoping you can get some happiness back soon :-)

Melanie said...

Oh my sweet sweet friend... I so feel for you sweetie. I kind of went through the same thing moving from the city to a VERY small town. The town I live in doesn't even have pizza delivery! Seriously, that should be illegal) I too moved away from all of my family, & friends. I promise, just like you said, it will get better. It will all work itself out! It will hon. You are just the bees knees, & you have a strong foundation w/ a wonderful man that it crazzzy for you. That's all you need, & the rest will fall into place. It's ok to be sad. A nice phone call or a visit from a friend will make a huge difference! I love you girly... heck my camera is named Courtney! You must be awesome! Lol... I will end my novel comment now! Sending BIG hugs my friend!!! Xo

m&msmommy said...

I know it was hard for you to share this, but I'm SO glad that you did so we all can be "out here" to support you! :) Change is SO SO SO hard, and what your feeling is completely normal. Hang in there sweet friend! (I know, easier said than done!) Things will start to get easier, it will begin to feel like home and you will thrive!

I'm praying for you, EVERY DAY!!!! :)

Katie {Miss Dixie} said...

Change is so hard...I didn't even realize my "change" until atleast 8 months after I moved here and after we had been married and things settled down. Hang in there, it gets easier!! :) xo

Jaclyn said...

you can do it! change can be the greatest thing that ever happens to you. when you come to utah though. come visit me though!!

Julie said...

Change is very hard but eventually you won't notice it anymore and things will start to get easier. I always dream of moving into a house but its going to freak me out when we do because I'm attached to this condo as well. But tis life!

Brooke said...

It takes a lot of courage to share this, and I'm proud of you for sharing it. Girl, keep on using that amazing courage you have, and you'll make it! We're all pulling for you.

Holly said...

I'm sorry you're going through something so difficult. :(
I hope things become easier soon, and the time when you look back on this as a happy period in your life is sooner rather than later.

Sara Louise said...

Oh, honey, I feel you, but it will get better, you know it will get better.
My first winter living in France was HORRIBLE. I have never been lonelier in my entire life. My husband was working long hours and I was at home, in the middle of nowhere and it never stopped snowing. Here I was, on top of a mountain, and not even being able to talk to anyone because I couldn't speak the language! I don't even like to think about it. BUT, life goes on, develops, changes, and we get accustomed to things, and begin to like them.
I'm wishing for happy and sunny days for you :)

Jax said...

aw, hang in girl! You're Winter Blues will hopefully pass quickly and you're new life will seem much brighter. Best of luck xo

Carlie said...

Thank you so much for sharing this Courtney! It is nice to know that I am not the only one that thinks change is very hard. I totally went through this when we moved last summer. I think I cried every night for a week straight, and then randomly I'd start thinking about it more and I'd cry again. I am starting to accept it, and like being here but it can be hard. It is just a bummer to think about when we have a baby (in the future) I won't be able to just call my mom and have her come over (I'm sure she'd get on a plane, but that is not the same). I felt so bad for Seth because it wasn't that I didn't want to be with him here (I do love that boy haha), but I was sad to be moving so far from my family and friends. Hang in there Court! I'll keep ya in my prayers!

Amanda said...

We have all been there, whether we like to admit it or not. And that depressive could can come in without us even realizing it. Lucky for you, this time, I'm here! And all your other bloggy friends! Change is freaking hard. Amen to that. But know that you have a MASSIVE support circle, so if you're ever feeling blue, you know how to call? GHOSTBUSTERS. Just kidding, had to throw a joke in there. But you can always call or email me or any of your other friends. Even if it's simply to distract you. Chin up buttercup. Big things await, I promise!

PCM said...

Thank you for the sweet comment on my blog. Interestingly enough, I moved into my new house 3 Saturdays ago as well. Even more interestingly enough, I used to live in Sandy, Utah :) Anywho, I hope you are feeling better and getting settled in. Sometimes change is hard, but it is for the best!

Alyx said...

Girl, I hear you.
I have actually been in a major depression for about the past month and a half. I finally broke down the other day and cried to the husband about it for about an hour, because I just couldn't handle it anymore. We actually almost ended up coming home early because of it, but decided to stick it out till the end of my program.
Just know that you're not alone.

Ashley said...

Hang in there! It will get easier and better. Just put yourself out there, make new friends and look forward to the new adventure together!

rachel said...

Oh my goodness.
I don’t want you to be feeling this way. My heart physically hurt reading this post, because I have been there. I AM there, and fighting it every day and I just know how awful it is and I wish I could take it away from you. I moved all the way to NY from California to be with my husband and have been hating it and “adjusting” ever since. I still hate it here. I’m NOT trying to bring you down or make you think you will still hate it there in the months and years to come….after all, before I knew my husband, I moved from California to Arizona, spent a year there and LOVED it. it just has to do with getting your groove, finding your place, feeling inspired. Sometimes it takes us a little longer than other times depending on what hits that spot for you. for me, it’s mostly sunshine, which is painfully lacking here so it’s not been easy…..i feel ya on the winter blues….SO much. I believe that seasonal affective disorder is a real thing!
Making the first call to my doctor to get help was in the top 5 of the hardest things I have EVER done in my life, but once it was done and the can of worms was opened, I felt so much better just to get it out, to have somebody tell me that yes, I have depression. The way I was feeling was not “normal” and that I needed help. They put me on the lowest dose of an anti-depressant (which I am seeing a psychiatric NP in a couple of weeks to have adjusted because I need a little higher dose) and am seeing a therapist every 2 weeks. There is nothing to be ashamed about!

I’m here if you want to talk about it, ok? I wish I could come give you a hug.

Shannon @ Bungalow960 said...

Oh honey. I totally know where you're coming from on this. I didn't move far away, but after a break up I was left to find a new apartment... and new friends. I felt so alone and depressed and that I would never be happy again. But slowly, I picked myself back up and got out there. You will do the same! You are beautiful, smart, and funny and any person would be LUCKY to call you their friend. Also, you know you have a friend here in the blogosphere :)

Pamela said...

Aww Courtney! First off, I love your honesty. You are going to be just fine! YES, it will def take a little while to get used to it. That's life, but you are such a strong, beautiful girl, you can do this! You have a cute little husband that loves you more than anything! I am sure he is always making you smile & laugh (hello, the boy peed 'I love you' in snow!). You will make new friends! When we got married, we only moved 15 minutes away from my mom. I know that isn't far, but it was still a huge deal to me, because I haven't been apart from my mom like that, like ever! It def took some time for her & I to get used to it. I don't know the exact distance that you are apart from your family & friends, but I know it is a big change. I can't say enough how such a wonderful person you are!! I am so glad that I have 'met' you through this little ole blog world! Keep busy! Start crafting ;) I think I am done writing my chapter book now :)

Holly said...

Girl, you are so strong already for sharing this on here!! And I know you're not alone in those feelings. I can't imagine how hard it would be to pick up and move somewhere I don't know anyone. It will take time for sure, but you will be ok, I just know it :)

meme-and-he said...

girl, thanks for the honesty. what a rough transition! I am sure you are only feeling this now since you aren't as busy as you have been, and you finally have a moment to catch your breath. I really hope you begin to adjust more and that Eric is able to provide the support you need!

Val said...

My heart just broke for you....change is so hard but in the end you will come out very strong. I hope you have a great weekend.

kyna... said...

Courtney, sweetie, you are a strong, beautiful woman and I know you are strong enough to endure this! I seriously always look at you and how cheerful you always are, and I'm envious! I know life is not always rosy, and I know this is one of the hardest things ever to do, but you CAN do this! Keep that chin up and keep a smile on your face, even if you aren't smiling inside right now. It's amazing what positive thinking can do! Big hugs, hon...thinking about you every single day!
♥ Kyna

Alex said...

Moving to Cedar was hard for me as well. I don't live very far if you ever need anything. :)

Liesl said...

Oh Courtney, I completely understand that sad feeling...I've been there and was pretty heavily there not too long ago, though staying positive with a smile on my face because that is who I am and I don't like to worry others or bring them down, like you said in your post, so, I understand, on different levels for different reasons, but the feeling is the same, I think!

Just know that in time it will get better and I jus know that you will find wonderful things and friends in your new place and shine like the beautiful person you are, inside and out!

Sending a few extra hugs and smiles you way! :) :) :)

Kristin said...

Change is really hard. Hopefully your spirits turn happy soon, hang in there girl

Christi Lynn said...

moving is so difficult! but it will get better for sure. When I am dealing with something I like to remember that there is no plan B. God didn't intend it that way. There is only plan A. So wherever you are and whatever you are doing is part of His plan. You can handle this :)

memory said...

aw. dear, sweet, courtney. you bring so much sunshine to mine and other blogger's lives... how can we bring sunshine to yours? the only thing i know to do is pray. i will pray that God will bring you happiness like you bring me so much joy too. C: i love you, friend.

AaReAn said...

Oh my Courtney, I am so sorry you are so sad :-( and I totally know what it feels like to feel this way. I remember moving from all of my family into a new apartment (that I really loathed haha thank heavens I don't live there anymore) and my hubby would go to work every day and there I sat. But as time passed, and I met new people...and I got a job that got me out of the house (being a graphic designer, you don't get out of the house much...so I thought it would be good to get something part time somewhere--I chose Anthropologie haha) and it got much better. Just give it time...you wont go back to that dark place if you don't let yourself. Keep busy, keep positive and eventually it will become your happiness! I promise.

Sending you lots of thoughtful prayers and love!

I'd love for you to hop on over and check out my blog all about COLOR! colorissue.blogspot.com

xoxo
Aarean

Tedi Palmer said...

I'm just now getting around to reading your sad post! I'm so sorry! I know what it's like to be down in the dumps and feel like there's no happiness around you. You too may have days where you just have to take one day at a time (seriously felt this way last week), and say "okay, I just have to make it through today." Things will be better! Miss your smiling face at church! :(

Lauren said...

I will be praying for you Courtney. I'm so sorry you're going through such a hard time. Stay strong!

xo

Sue said...

Moving is a big deal and I'm sorry this one was so hard for you. I hope you can find things you love about this new place! You're such a happy person and I'd hate to see that go away :)

Evelien said...

Oh sweety, I think it's totally ok for you to feel sad after a major change in your life... But if it's taking over your whole behaviour and thinking, than it's bad. And even worse, you can't stop it!!
I've had the same when I moved in with my husband after our marriage. All of the sudden I was alone all day (I had a 3-month break after my exams, gotta love Belgium!), I didn't have my family around, I had expected our mutual friends to make some time to show me around the town... So I kinda get what this whole change can do to you!
I just hope and pray that you feel better very soon! And you will, I know you will!

Lots of love!

Cami said...

Lovely photos.
HUGS. I wish I could help and make you feel better <3

Kelly said...

You are totally not alone. Change can be so scary, and it can bring out some pretty sad feelings. But feel your sadness! And know that you've still got a great family and friends (plus us bloggies!)

Crazy Shenanigans-JMO said...

I felt that exact same way once when I first moved. I think it just takes time and eventually you find your niche! Hang in there girl!

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