Note: This post is definitely out of character for me. Unfortunately my life is not a perfect script, and sometimes I go through hard times and I have to keep it real. I am weary to write this because I don't want family and friends to worry... but like I said, keepin' it real.
This is the first full week I've spent in our home. We moved (almost) 3 Saturdays ago and then I left town for 2 weeks straight. One week I worked at the salon and the next week I was babysitting. I haven't been around long enough for it to sink in that this is our new home, until now. Sadly, I am NOT loving the idea.
I am homesick for northern Utah. I never thought I'd feel this way, but I do! I think it's because that is the first time that Eric and I truly started our lives on our own. No parents, no comfort zones, no familiarity. It was just me and him, relying on each other. We did have a few friends living up there who definitely helped make the transition easier. But for the most part we built our life from scratch... together. And we built a very happy life. I can't get over how many amazing friends we have up there. And the old relationships that we were able to build up were amazing, too. I loved the city life and all the adventures it offered. Living in this small town is definitely going to take some getting used to.
There was definitely a period of time where I had some dark days up there. I haven't really talked about it because it's not something I like to think about, or have people worrying about. Between the change of location, raging hormones, horrid acne, and the dreary winter, it is safe to say that I had a major case of the winter blues. I never realized how bad it was until summer was coming to an end and I was dreading winter like I'd never dreaded anything before. I remember a specific time when I should have realized how bad of a place I was in.... one of my best friends had her baby and I went to the hospital to visit. Her family and in law family were there and everyone was SO happy. And for good reason, right? Well, I remember sitting there watching them and feeling so out of place. I was just wishing that I had something in my life to be happy about (I am a happy girl. That was NOT normal for me.) There were days, maybe weeks (I can't remember) that I just didn't want to get out of bed. I had no reason to get up! So I stayed in bed or lounged around until an hour or so before Eric would get home from work. Then I'd hurry to shower and clean house. I don't think he knew how bad things were for me. I would snap out of it when I was around people or working, but for awhile I was one very depressed girl.
I share this because I am terrified of going back to that dark place. I am praying that with each major change in my life, my mind doesn't go fall back into that pit. I have an amazing husband who would do anything for me. He deserves this job and the happiness it brings him. I feel so guilty for being so sad that we moved here, because I don't want to bring him down. I realize that it's all hitting me really hard because this is the first time it's all sinking in. I know I'll make new friends. I know that I'll get into a routine and this will feel like home. I know that being closer to my salon and being able to work part time each week instead of one week a month will make me happy. I know that I'll probably look back in a few years and say that I loved living here.... But right now I miss my friends. Right now I miss the city. Right now I miss that life. It may be dramatic but right now? Right now I am so, so sad.