Monday, June 13, 2011

something I learned from a little trial in my life

I'm getting a little bit serious over here today :)  I always try to be myself on this blog.  I really hope that my personality is very obvious in my writing.  I want my blog to be a happy place, because I truly am a happy girl.  But some time's I go through hard times, and some time's I need to post about it because this is my "journal".  I really am going to print it into a book so that our good times, and bad will be recorded.
With that said, I know I've complained about my face on here before, but I want to write about my experience.  I've been very lucky to have high self esteem, I've really never struggled with my image...until 23?!  My body went through a major hormone imbalance (birth control..never taking that crap again!) and resulted in my face exploding with acne..within like 2 months.  It was SO fast, so nasty, so ugly, and SO painful. 
I was SO shocked out how physically painful acne is.  My favorite feeling in the world is when a sweet baby touches my face.  Their soft little hands always make me feel so loved.  The first time a baby touched my acne covered face I almost lost it.  Instant tears.  Nothing had ever hurt more.  Honestly, I am so heartbroken for those that have acne all over their bodies.  I can't imagine feeling the pain in my face, all over my body.
I didn't have to endure the physical pain for very long, but I am still recovering from the emotional pain.  It is just CRAZY how my self esteem plummeted, like over night.  It is really embarrassing for me to admit what thoughts ran through my head, but here goes!  Actually, first I need to say that Eric was such a champ through all of this.  All the sudden his wife turned into a depressed, and crazy emotional girl, and he was nothing but supportive.  He never EVER made me feel less than beautiful.  I don't know how I got so lucky :)  I do admit though, I went crazy, and I was so so SO worried that Eric wouldn't love me anymore.  I just felt so ugly, inside and out, that I thought he'd regret marrying me.  We had just moved across the state (this probably played into the acne) and I thought for sure, no one would want to be my friend.  Who would want to talk to me with my nasty face?  I would like to think that I'm friends with everyone.  I certainly don't base my friendships off of looks, I was just out of control and could/would not think rationally.  I thought my clients would hate looking at my face and they'd stop coming to me.  I thought I'd lose all my friends.  I wasn't very much fun and I complained all the time.  The acne just consumed my every thought.  I suffered through every negative comment I could come up with.  Isn't this all just RIDICULOUS?!  And so irrational.  But it's real. 
Dr. Tim Nowatzke changed my life.  I know how lame that sounds, but he fixed/is still fixing my face and I could not be more grateful.  If you live in Southern Utah, and have any skin problems PLEASE go see him.  Especially if you've lost your mind, like I obviously did.  It'll be the best thing you can do for yourself!
As my face started to heal, I realized all the extra pain I'd caused myself, and my loved ones.  I don't think my parents appreciated their daughter destroying her self image.  What kind of example was I setting for my nephews and especially my niece?  Eric, who loves me no matter what, watched me beat myself up every second of every day.  I don't put up with it when he is hard on himself, why did I make him suffer through that with me?  I had let myself forget the most important detail, that I am a daughter of God.  I was created in the image of Him.  I strive to be the best example of Him, to be a good person, to love as He loves.  I forgot all of that.  I let the adversary over come my every thought.  As ugly as I felt on the outside, I was truly that ugly on the inside.  I say this because I never want to forget.  I will have so many more trials in my life time and I don't want to let myself go back to that dark spot in my life. 
I feel so blessed to know that my Heavenly Father loves me.  I have the most amazing family and friend's in the world.  And I have learned that it is so important to love myself.  I am so thankful to Tim Nowatzke for healing my face, and I hope I never have to go through this again.  But if I do, I hope to do it with a little more grace :)  I am so glad that I am pretty much back to normal!  I love being happy :)

 
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34 comments:

Jennifer said...

Acne is definitely the WORST! It is very painful! I get large ones when I do break out. I am actually jealuos of people who get those tiny little bumps since they try to claim how large they are. They have no clue what it's like to wait for a mountain to stop growing on their face for what feels like eternity.

P! said...

I think you're beautiful and fabulous, no matter what's on your face, but girl, you are looking GOOD and I am very glad you are feeling good about yourself again. Thanks for sharing this with us- it's why I adore you and your blog: you're so REAL and not afraid to let us know you don't need to pretend you're perfect. This was such an inspiring post- I may have to reference this later in the week. Thanks for starting my week off right, Courtney! God bless you! :)

The Stylers said...

You are so cute!!I love that you bear all on your blog. It always helps lift me up to read your blog! Thanks for reminding me that I am a daughter of god!! I feel like since I'm not in primary or yw anymore that I'm to grown up for that or something! haha anyway You look amazing!

Jamie said...

So glad to here some sincerity in the hard stuff. None of us are ever alone in our trials and I'm so glad that you feel comfortable writing your feelings down. No matter how seemingly small people may see any issue, if it's real to you then it's real, period. You're a beautiful girl! And you're not alone in hating birth control. I used to be teeeeensy and that nasty stuff made me gain 20 lb. Still working it off! But we find problems, commit to change and carry out solutions. Heavenly Father taught us these things before our birth.

You're lovely. Thanks for sharing.

Vivian said...

You are BEAUTIFUL!!!...just the way you are :)

m&msmommy said...

You are beautiful! That picture of you is super cute! :)

I'm sorry that you went through such a tough time with it, and of course looking back, the thoughts were irrational but when you are going through something tough like that, it all seems very normal. So you are definitely not alone! :)

Randi Gardner said...

I didnt know this was THAt hard for you. I'm glad its getting better and you are feeling better. I understand being in a place like that

denise* paper angels said...

aw you look so beautiful. im sorry you had such a difficult journey. :( but God is amazing even in the hardest of times isn't he? x

The Pingrees said...

you look amazing! I am so impressed with you and how open you are. thanks for sharing, i was touched reading this! I am glad you're doing better. :)

monster cakes said...

Honesty is beautiful too, so thanks for sharing. And I know exactly how you feel! I didn't get any acne until I went to college, and it was CRAZY how bad my face got so quickly. I still have horrible scars on my face because of that time, and though it's much better, I break out much more than your average twenty-four year old. Lame. haha You are so right, though, in that we are daughters of the Most High. What could be more beautiful and wonderful than that?

Bon Bon said...

I am sooo proud of you! What a journey. Such an example of true beauty! xoxo

The Terry's said...

i felt the same way, i still do. my face cleared up when i was pregnant. and since my husband won't let me get pregnant again i have to suffer with it until i can talk him into it again. i see tim also he is so nice and does an amazing job.

Jessica said...

I'm so glad you were brave and wrote about this...I've struggled with acne since I was in seventh grade. I've tried every medication and ointment you could imagine...it's so hard not to let yourself get down, but you have such a great outlook on life! It's contagious :)

Tatiana said...

I'm glad that you were brave enough to write about this and inspire others. But I'm even more glad that today you know how beautiful you are, and that you find yourself perfectly made in His image. You rock!

fabulousamy said...

Courtney you are such a beautiful person inside and out!!! I love you so much I am so grateful that you are my sister. You are a very strong person and such a great example to me.

tifsong said...

hey you're beautiful.
i'm glad i just read this.

today i threw a fit because i looked in the mirror and all i saw was fat and ugly.

i ruined my day.
and joe's too, i think.

i definitely needed this.

thanks.

tif

Ashley Slater said...

this was really great, I loved reading about "the real" you and your struggles. So glad to hear that you are on the mend! Birth control is awful, I have had an extra 8 pounds of weight o because of it and can't really ever get rid of it! grr!

Megan said...

Thank you for being so honest and sharing your heart!! Don't feel bad, though...you are not alone! Even if we know that image is not the most important thing, it's hard when our image is tarnished. You are beautiful...inside and out!!

Megan said...

You're amazing! Thanks for posting this. I think most girls struggle with self-image--I know I have, especially after I gained weight after having babies. It's so hard to be positive when you feel bad about yourself--thanks for the reminder that we should be!

Alexis Kaye said...

You are beautiful :) I really struggled with this in high school. I also thought no one liked em and wanted to be my friend. Who would want to LOOK at me?! It was emotionally painful. I felt horrible about myself. And it WAS painful. I was always nervous about boys touching my face. I never wanted to go to sleepovers and outings or swim parties because I was in NO way going to let anyone see me without make up-especially in the sunlight. My mom told me that I had to have acne to be humble, because if I didn't I would be too pretty to be humble. Her words, not mine. But it does make me more compassionate for people who aren't blessed in the looks department. We naturally avoid unattractive people, it's sad but true to some extent.

Rolfe Family said...

Oh my gosh girl you are beautiful and amazing! But I know how hard it can be to struggle with your self image. I have struggled with this a lot over the last few years. It makes me so self conscious at times and I hate it. You're as beautiful as you've ever been! And you are an amazing hair stylist...I love my hair!

Erin said...

Courtney, you are such a beautiful woman, your spirit shines through, and I am truly a better person because of you. You have so much going for you, and I can promise you that having acne isn't something that defines you. It's a trial, and as with all trials, it too will end. You are such a sweetie, and I know this post will help others to feel better about themselves, especially if they know you personally.

Tracy-Girl @ Then I Got To Thinking said...

You are beautiful! Acne is one of those really tough things that is so out of our control, my sister had terrible acne and struggled with it for years. I am so glad you are feeling better about it, and coming out stronger! :)

Melissa: Write it in Lipstick said...

I think this is all natural, I had bad acne on my forehead and was so self conscious about it, I still am when I look at pictures. the great thing is off of what you have mentioned of your hubs you got a great support behind you and we love you either way. You look beautiful and you got a waist that I would die for.

Laura said...

Oh, you are such a sweetheart!! I'm so sorry you had to deal with that, it's like you just don't feel your best or like your normal old self and it takes a tole on your whole outlook. But you are beautiful no matter what and that is because you are beautiful on the inside and it shines outward. I'm glad it is under control now!! And I also feel your pain, my hormones are super out of whack and I sometimes get those hormone breakouts too, would be so much better to just get a zit that can at least be popped. :) Love the honesty in your writing!

Shalyn said...

I love that you wrote all of this down. So many girls are going to read it and get a self esteem boost, just by reading that they are a daughter of God. You are truly beautiful in and out!

Hilary Anna said...

awww. This post made me sad, but I definitely can relate. Birth control caused me to gain 20lbs. It was horrible. I cried like everyday and I thought for sure my boyfriend was going to leave me, but thankfully we have amazing guys who truly just love us for who we are and could care less about little things like that. You're beautiful, no matter what!

Hilary Anna said...

oh! and about the showering issue on my cross country road trip, campsites usually have showers and bathrooms to use so I figured that's when. Even though I also thought that every so many stops we could rent a hotel too just to actually sleep in a bed for once! :)

meme-and-he said...

beautiful. I love this post, because it is not just about making yourself look better, it is about emotionally healing and learning what it means to truly be beautiful. which you are!

Jennifer said...

Hello gorgeous! I have had SO many problems with this. Birth control has made it a little better, but not a whole lot. I keep thinking I'll out grow it, but I'm 22 and it's still there. But it is in the worst breakouts that I realize that I need to find my beauty in something other than outward appearances!

CaseyWiegand said...

okay. you are seriously BEAUTIFUL

Megs said...

i really LOVED this post! as women, we all struggle with self-image and i love how honest you were. when i was pregnant i broke out SO BAD. and i still struggle with it like crazy. i absolutely hate it... but your post inspired me to try to love myself better and remember that my Father in Heaven loves me! thank you for sharing this with us.

and you are honestly so GORGEOUS!! so please don't think otherwise :)

Brittany Lew Whoo said...

your blog is so stinkin' cute and this post was absolutely beautiful! what a wonderful, strong person you are! <3

Rach said...

You are beautiful and I would have never guessed that you had such horrible skin problems!

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