These hallucinations started small. I'd wake up for just a minute, feel Mia in arms and think to myself that I thought I put her back in her bassinet after feeding her, but being too tired to actually put her back. Then I'd wake up later to feed her and realize that she hadn't been in my arms at all, I had put her back in her bassinet! But as the nights wore on the hallucinations grew. I would be awake feeding Mia when all the sudden Mia would start crying in her bassinet across the room. Obviously she was crying because she was ready to eat... but I was already feeding her! I would look at my arms and realize I was laying down, not sitting up feeding my baby. But I could still feel her in my arms! I'd look at the clock on my phone and realize that she really was in her bassinet crying for food!
One night, every single time I woke up I would frantically start throwing my blankets and sheets off the bed (swearing like a crazy woman) because I KNEW I fell asleep with Mia in my arms and somehow lost her in the bedding. I would flip on the light and keep searching for her because I knew she was suffocating.... even though I could see her sleeping in the bassinet peacefully. That was a rough night!
The worst was when Eric "woke me up" (I really was asleep, but I thought I wasn't) and asked me if Mia needed to eat. I was so annoyed with him... couldn't he see that I was already feeding Mia? We argued back and forth as I told him I was already feeding her, and he'd tell me I definitely wasn't feeding her. I remember Eric saying, "COURTNEY! OPEN YOUR EYES! You are NOT feeding her." My reply? "My eyes ARE open... why don't YOU open YOUR eyes??" Then I opened my eyes and suddenly I couldn't feel Mia in my arms, because she hadn't been there in the first place! I mean, SERIOUSLY!
I never, ever slept with Mia in the bed because I was too worried I would roll over her (I move around a lot in my sleep) so it was crazy that each night I would wake up thinking I let myself sleep with her. I could literally feel the weight of her in my arms, even though she wasn't there. It was so confusing, ha ha! As soon as we got on a regular sleep schedule (around 2 weeks) I stopped dreaming/hallucinating Mia in my arms. But it was a trip each night trying to figure out what was real, and what wasn't! The things we go through for our tiny babies ;) Has something like this happened to any of you?!
Sorry, I'm still playing catch up! | Mia's Birth Story | Nursing | Hospital Story #1 | Hospital Story #2 | First Night Home |
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