Please note: this post is not for sympathy or pity. It is worth being skipped over :) I promise my blog will continue to be a happy spot in blog land!
When I look in the mirror I see: blonde hair with roots that need some serious touch up. Awkward bangs that are in between the straight across bang and swoop bang length. Curls that aren't as long as I want. Shining bright green eyes- this color only appears when I cry. And nasty red spots and pimples on my face where everyone can see. Gross. Seriously gross.
What is wrong with me? I am not that girl. I'm not that girl that nit-picks at herself, that can't get over her imperfections, that complains and cries about them constantly, that needs to look perfect to feel pretty, that needs other's confirmations to feel good about herself. I'm not... but then why am I being this girl?!
How do you go from 0-60 in what feels like less than 4 seconds? My way of thinking changed that fast. I am such a happy girl. I know I have such a blessed life. I've always been so confident in myself. I'm 23 years old, I've married a man that couldn't be more perfect for me, I love my job, and my friends and family are the best. I truely do "have it all". But why do I feel so awkward and gross and ugly? I'm supposed to be past all of this aren't I?!
6 months ago I stopped taking birth control (nope, not trying for a baby yet) thinking nothing would change. I was wrong, it took my body about 4 months to figure out how to be normal again. The only thing that hasn't gone back to normal is my face. I'm pretty sure moving to a new place with a different climate doesn't help but every month it seems to get worse and worse. Breakout after breakout...and the redness. Oh it won't go away! It's so gross and ugly. And the sad part is that people probably don't notice it nearly as much as I do but I can't stop thinking about it. My poor friends hear me complain time and time again (sorry about that!). I try to turn it into joking but who am I kidding?! It's not a joke to me and everyone knows it. I don't let my husband touch or kiss my face.. ew. And I went to the Buckle with a friend today and we were talking about how awesome it would be to work like an hour a week just to get the discount (haha) and she told me you could work in freight and you go in once a week for a couple hours. Sweet! So my friend asks if they're hiring and the girl tells her yes and gets her email to send her the application. When she's done I tell the girl I would love to do it too and I swear she looked at my like ew.. you think we're going to let you work here over your cute friend?! How embarassing that I really thought that! I'm so ashamed.
Eric is the best to me. I've been awful and negative and he just tells me he understands and to go see my dermatologist. I don't want to spend our money on that mostly because I'm stubborn. Maybe I'm afraid he'll tell me there's no fixing my face? Really I just want my face to be normal like it was before all on it's own. Then I feel guilty for feeling that way because my life could be so hard. And I don't want to turn into this ugly person. I mean ugly on the inside. Satan sure does know how to play on our weaknesses, and I have been letting him win. I know that I am a daughter of God and it's time I start acting like one again. I came across this quote: If happiness is the most attractive accessory a young woman can have, then a smile would have to be the most charming cosmetic. It's time for me to start being happy again and smiling. Instead of fearing what people will think of me I'm going to be confident again. I deserve to feel pretty again. Even if my face never clears up I'm going to be the wife and friend that I should be. It's not all about me. I am sorry for all the complaining I've been doing and I promise no more! I know I am loved and I'm ready to start loving myself again.
I promise I am not posting this for sympathy. I'm really, actually, quite embarassed by it all, but I want to have this documented. If our children ever go through this kind of stage in their life I want to show them this, I want them to know that I do understand. I've gone through this during a time in my life where I never thought I'd have to worry about this again. I want them to see it's not worth the negativity and the self loathing. I want them to know that I truely do love them and that I'm not just saying something that a mom's supposed to say. I know how it feels but it will get better. That's what I will tell myself everyday. I will not let Satan win.