Friday, February 4, 2011

0 to 60 in under 4 seconds..

Please note: this post is not for sympathy or pity.  It is worth being skipped over :)  I promise my blog will continue to be a happy spot in blog land!

When I look in the mirror I see:  blonde hair with roots that need some serious touch up.  Awkward bangs that are in between the straight across bang and swoop bang length.  Curls that aren't as long as I want.  Shining bright green eyes- this color only appears when I cry.  And nasty red spots and pimples on my face where everyone can see.  Gross.  Seriously gross.
What is wrong with me?  I am not that girl.  I'm not that girl that nit-picks at herself, that can't get over her imperfections, that complains and cries about them constantly, that needs to look perfect to feel pretty, that needs other's confirmations to feel good about herself.  I'm not... but then why am I being this girl?!
How do you go from 0-60 in what feels like less than 4 seconds?  My way of thinking changed that fast.  I am such a happy girl.  I know I have such a blessed life.  I've always been so confident in myself.  I'm 23 years old, I've married a man that couldn't be more perfect for me, I love my job, and my friends and family are the best.  I truely do "have it all".  But why do I feel so awkward and gross and ugly?  I'm supposed to be past all of this aren't I?!
6 months ago I stopped taking birth control (nope, not trying for a baby yet) thinking nothing would change.  I was wrong, it took my body about 4 months to figure out how to be normal again.  The only thing that hasn't gone back to normal is my face.  I'm pretty sure moving to a new place with a different climate doesn't help but every month it seems to get worse and worse.  Breakout after breakout...and the redness. Oh it won't go away!  It's so gross and ugly.  And the sad part is that people probably don't notice it nearly as much as I do but I can't stop thinking about it.  My poor friends hear me complain time and time again (sorry about that!).  I try to turn it into joking but who am I kidding?!  It's not a joke to me and everyone knows it.  I don't let my husband touch or kiss my face.. ew.  And I went to the Buckle with a friend today and we were talking about how awesome it would be to work like an hour a week just to get the discount (haha) and she told me you could work in freight and you go in once a week for a couple hours.  Sweet!  So my friend asks if they're hiring and the girl tells her yes and gets her email to send her the application.  When she's done I tell the girl I would love to do it too and I swear she looked at my like ew.. you think we're going to let you work here over your cute friend?!  How embarassing that I really thought that!  I'm so ashamed. 
Eric is the best to me.  I've been awful and negative and he just tells me he understands and to go see my dermatologist.  I don't want to spend our money on that mostly because I'm stubborn.  Maybe I'm afraid he'll tell me there's no fixing my face? Really I just want my face to be normal like it was before all on it's own.  Then I feel guilty for feeling that way because my life could be so hard.  And I don't want to turn into this ugly person.  I mean ugly on the inside.  Satan sure does know how to play on our weaknesses, and I have been letting him win.  I know that I am a daughter of God and it's time I start acting like one again.  I came across this quote: If happiness is the most attractive accessory a young woman can have, then a smile would have to be the most charming cosmetic. It's time for me to start being happy again and smiling.  Instead of fearing what people will think of me I'm going to be confident again.  I deserve to feel pretty again.  Even if my face never clears up I'm going to be the wife and friend that I should be.  It's not all about me.  I am sorry for all the complaining I've been doing and I promise no more!  I know I am loved and I'm ready to start loving myself again.
I promise I am not posting this for sympathy.  I'm really, actually, quite embarassed by it all, but I want to have this documented.  If our children ever go through this kind of stage in their life I want to show them this, I want them to know that I do understand.  I've gone through this during a time in my life where I never thought I'd have to worry about this again.  I want them to see it's not worth the negativity and the self loathing.  I want them to know that I truely do love them and that I'm not just saying something that a mom's supposed to say.  I know how it feels but it will get better.  That's what I will tell myself everyday.  I will not let Satan win. 

28 comments:

The Blakes said...

Court- You are cute as a bug! :D I think its human nature to feel this way every now and then! Especially when you become a mom you will have PLENTY of days like this! And just remember we notice WAY more than other people notice.

Randi said...

when you have acne someone else has cellulite. you know... we all have our insecurities... and as silly as it is, it is SO. VERY. NORMAL. to cry about your self image.
But honestly girl, you have way less to worry about than most people. Cheer up!

The Terry's said...

its very normal to feel like this. i feel like this all the time. all threw high school i wasn't happy with how i looked. and now after having 2 kids i would love to go back to my high school body any day. have you tried switching to a different make up. i know when i switched to bare minerals my face cleared up a lot. i still get break outs before certain times of the month. but sometimes makeup can cause you to break out really bad.

Mandi said...

You are a truly amazing a beautiful girl! I've always thought that about you. I'm sorry that you're going through this rough patch. Hope things look up for ya. Luv ya!

Danielle said...

I'm glad to hear you will stop complaining because I think it will help you to see how beautiful you are and slowly it will help you to not be so down on yourself for things That WILL clear themselves up. Hair grows, roots can be dyed, skin goes through phases and make up can help in the meantime but the beauty that's inside will be never changing and that's What really makes you the special person You are.

Susan R. Mills said...

We all have things we don't like about ourselves. It's all about perception and confidence.

Ulrich Family said...

Court you are so cute. I have never noticed you having troubled skin. Your awesome personality out shines any problem you think you have. That being said I too had a time where my skin sucked big time!! Proactive really worked for me it cleared my skin quickly and I got to the point where I dont need it any more.

everyone calls me bon bon said...

Thanks for your sweet comment girl! Loving your cute pink blog!

P.S. I TOTALLY understand this post. All of my life I had perfect skin, (thanks to some asian genes:-), and then when I was 20, I lived in Africa for 4 months. 4 months of a different climate, no makeup, different diet, etc. So when I came back, all of a sudden my skin went berserk! For the 1st time in my life I had troubled skin, and it was so hard to look in the mirror. It felt like I wasn't "me" anymore. And then, after I started praying about it, I felt a peace knowing that my family, friends, life doesn't revolve around my skin! That isn't what defined me. I felt like instead of relying on my "looks" I could dig deeper and do some soul work. Really come to terms with my personality and how people gravitate towards that, not what my face looks like. My problem was just a small stage in life, it passed, and yours will too! And you are always your own worst critic. If you want any simple tricks and tips for skincare, let me know:-) You are beautiful! xoxo

Melissa: Write it in Lipstick said...

that is why I like the idea of a blog because your not posting your feeling for people to sympathize but because it's a journal per say. Something to unleash your feelings let them out and hopefully move on and feel better. I hope you do feel better. Your a child of God your husband is very lucky to have you. Tell him I said so.

theolivetree said...

Hello :) Found you over at my blog! First off your gorgeous and get those thought out of your mind...wait until you have babies and have peanut butter on your clothes 90% of the time...lol. Very sweet blog, enjoy the newlywed stage it goes by sooooooo fast!

p.s. your face can get "used" to facewash. I switch mine up all the time.

The Stylers said...

It's crazy how Satan can find our weaknesses even if they change every other day and work on them like crazy! You are such a beautiful woman inside and out! I know that with only hanging out with you like once! I look up to your self confidence so don't lose it!! :)

Katie said...

Oh courtney, I think you are so beautiful inside and OUT! Just think of it as a stage you are going through your body is going to make lot of changes in the next few years with all sorts of different hormones. I know not very reassuring but you will get through it as cute as ever I promise!!

Falling Down The Rabbit Hole said...

You're seriously beautiful! I would kill for your hair :) Mine's stuck in the "what's the actual style" phase haha

Claire said...

You look good to e dearie :) My friend went through a bad patch with her skin and it was a diet thing, she gave up dairy, yeast and now it's clear...just a thought keep smiling xx

Matt and Melissa said...

Isn't Acne the pits?! I had the same problem in high school, college, etc. Now that I work for a dermatologist I have all the tricks at my fingertips. If it is really affecting you I think you should give it a try! They have alot of different medication and creams that will make a big difference. Over the counter stuff will just not help with what sounds like hormonal acne. It happens once you go off birth control and your hormones get all our of whack. let me know if you need any tips or advice. I would love to help! Good luck!

Lula said...

I think we can all relate to what you wrote on here! But let me just say this. First of all, you are so so so so pretty. Don't let anybody tell you otherwise! Seriously. Acne/pimples/breakouts are just a phase, they're not forever. I used to have awful awful skin but I needed medical attention, and so I was put on different medication and my face is completely clear. HUGE relief. Dermatologists are freakin' expensive, but honestly it's so worth it, especially if something like this is ruining your life. I know it was ruining mine.
I hope you get through this tough phase! I'm sure you will, you determination is just inspiring!
A big kiss to ya missy!
Lula

Courtney B said...

Thank you all for being so sweet! I really feel like the biggest baby but this ridiculous acne has been dragging me down and I've had enough! :) I'm so glad I've decided to try my hardest to let it go because yesterday was SUCH a better day with my new mindset (or should I say my old mindset ha)

Alexa Mae said...

I think everyone girl goes through this. It's hard. Stupid stupid acne and zits. I hate them! Luckily, they are not forever. They'll go away.

You are gorgeous and you are so sweet!

Betsey said...

oh girl, i totally understand this. I think every girl has their issue and has to figure out a way to beat those negative feelings. my issue is defintiely my skin - just like you. i think about it WAY too much, and definitely compare myself to other girls...it really sucks! And personally, I think acne is the WORST becuase you can't even face other people and you always catch other people staring at your face instead of in your eyes and it's just awkward. I completely understand. Just try to keep your head up - like the other girls are saying - it's not forever. You are an absolutely beautiful girl who has a man who loves you more than anything, stay strong in that! :)

Alycia (Crowley Party) said...

Court :) You know you are adorable no matter what. But as a girl I totally know how you feel. Your skin is going through some changes, and I wouldn't feel guilty having at least one consultation to see a dermatologist if that is something you want to do. He could tell you if there is something more going on. Why feel guilty? We go to the dentist for our teeth, and skin needs to be healthy too. Just go and see what he has to say, maybe he will confirm to you that it is from coming off the birth control and it will go away, and you can be at ease. Or maybe he will have other suggestions for you. I don't think our happiness should be skin deep, but our Heavenly Father does want us to be confident and take care of ourselves. So don't think for one second you are being vein or petty for wanting to go make sure what is going on will indeed pass on its own, or maybe there is something you could or should be doing that he could help you with. Love you to death! Keep your chin up and know that your family and friends love you for you!

kara lynn said...

i know it. yes. believe me. it is hard especially when you look at others and see their smooth clean faces. dermatologist never helped, best thing i did was see an esthetician. i LOVE mine. i goodness silly how that effects ones confidence but it does.

Hannah said...

Great pep talk to yourself! I love it.

Something I ALWAYS, always, always try to remind myself when I'm struggling with something physical...be it a sickness, pain, weight, my looks or just whatever...IT WON'T LAST FOREVER.

Someday, we will have perfected bodies. It's really that simple. :)

Serene is my name, not my life! said...

Oh girl, I'm so feeling your pain right now. I've never had acne before but with this pregnancy I've had a permanent tribe of pimples who set up camp on my chin and seem quite content to stay there. I loathe it.

But we all go through phases. Sometimes I'm perfectly content with myself and feel great. Other times, I can barely stand to look in the mirror. It comes and goes. And you are perfectly right, you just got to push through and not let Satan win!

You're awesome.

And thanks so much for stopping by my blog! And you're comment was super sweet. :D

Court said...

you are so cute. and thanks so much for your lovely comment. you are really too nice! i can totally relate to the issues you are having with your skin. i went on birth control a few years ago to clear up my skin and 2 months ago I went off it just because I felt that i had been on it long enough. well less than a month went by and my skin started breaking out... so I went straight back on it again and its taken about a month for me to be back to "normal". Its hard. And you know what, I think its perfectly ok and normal to have upset days. :)

Mommy said...

I totally feel your pain!!! I for the most part am a pretty confident gal but I HATE my skin! It's the one thing that truly bothers me. I'm 26 years old and I feel like a hormonal teenage. :( I feel like its the only thing people see when they look at me it sucks. Let me know if you find anything that works because I'm still working on that...hopefully I find some sort of miracle pill lol.

But I do have to say that I think you are so pretty that I wouldn't let it get you down (I know easier said then done)

http://myadventures-in-mommyland.blogspot.com/

meme-and-he said...

so glad you posted this...because so many people can relate! Especially me! I was on some medication for a while that caused major breakouts, and it seriously consumed me!!! It was such a good time of life to understand what it means to be valued and beautiful to God...and that is all that matters. Such a tough way to learn that lesson though! Thanks for being so vulnerable :)

Rolled Up Pretty said...

Loved this post Court because I feel the EXACT same way as you! My face just seems to always have zits no matter WHAT I do! And no one notices it like I do, but I just get so embarrassed by it. I have had these same thoughts over and over, why do I let something so trivial take over ALL my thoughts!? I have SO much to be thankful for, I hate even thinking about spending ONE more stupid second thinking about my face. I always think of people who have horrible burns on their face or were born with a deformity and think, "How blessed am I to not have to suffer through a trial like that." Which means I need to be so thankful FOR me face! But it's just so irritating when you have zits huh!? I feel your pain. This post was a year ago, and when I saw you last your skin looked awesome! Thanks for sharing this though, glad I'm not the only one who frets and frets over their skin!

Melissa Jane said...

I totally feel you on this one!

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