I haven't been able to admit my weakness before now because I didn't know how to change my ways. Actually, I didn't want to change my ways! I mean... I wanted to be the best wife possible, but it's always hard to admit when I'm wrong (because I'm always right ;) and because I'm stubborn) and I just didn't want to see my faults. But life has been so much happier since I made the decision to put my pride aside, and make the changes to be the wife that Eric deserves!
I briefly talked about my failing attempts to show Eric my love and appreciation for what an amazing husband and father he is when Mia was born. Being a mother was the most easy and natural thing in the world for me! (Note: being a mommy was easy. Nursing was not. But once that fell into place, I was in heaven with my baby!) I was so wrapped up in taking care of Mia that I forgot to nurture my relationship with Eric. Once we realized what was going on, Eric and I had one conversation and decided the best thing we could do was to start making a conscious effort to serve each other. I didn't realize that letting the simple thing go could totally affect our relationship! We started doing the small things again- packing Eric's lunch, making one of his favorite dinners, making time to watch a movie with him (even if I slept through the whole thing, new mommas know what I'm talking about), leaving little love notes, voicing a compliment instead of assuming Eric knew I thought he was handsome, taking the time to have conversations and actually listen to what he had to say, being conscious of not snapping at him even though I was exhausted, etc. And Eric did the same for me! It only took a couple days of working at this for it to be totally natural again! I am still trying to find new ways to surprise him and show my love for him, and I will continue to do that for the rest of forever! It's part of how you keep the marriage alive, no?
The hardest part for me (as I'm sure you noticed) was dealing with my feelings for Eric's job. I have left a ton of details out, which is to be expected considering this is public to the whole world. But that's okay! Yes, we have had to put up with a ton of crap and no, I have not handled it the way I should have... that's all I need to share. A little over a week ago I had the epiphany that I was taking the easy route. I would ask my friends/family how to forgive, how to forget, how to move on when I still had to put up with it each day? I couldn't escape from it! (Do you like how selfish I am? I was talking about Eric's job, not mine. I am so ridiculous sometimes!) It was so much easier to hang on to my anger and resentment instead of letting it all go. It truly is as simple as that. Just. let. it. go. I saw this quote on facebook the other day: "Victims focus on what they do not control. Survivors focus on what they do control." It's easier to be the victim, isn't it? I wouldn't admit that holding on to that anger was seeping into my marriage, into my relationships with others and into my sanity (ha ha). Once I set my pride aside I decided to be a survivor. For me, this means I've had to hand it over to God and let Him help me to just let it go.
I decided to make these changes a couple weeks ago. Just a few days later I learned that someone took my words, twisted them around, gossiped, and made life difficult for Eric at work. I was so angry I literally thought my blood was boiling. I mean, I was thiiiiiis close to breathing fire (ha!). I wanted nothing more than to punch this guy in the mouth and to tell him to stay out of my business. How dare he twist what I said and use them against my husband! These thoughts consumed me as I daydreamed about beating this guy (because you know, I'm so strong) and teaching him a lesson! Then it hit me. I was doing it again! I knew I didn't want Mia to sense my anger, I didn't want Eric to know just how mad I was or to be ornery about it and take it out on him, so I had to just let it go. It was the biggest battle I've had with myself for a long time. It was so much easier to hold on to the anger, but through lots of prayer and determination I started to feel lighter inside until those awful feelings disappeared. It is going to take a long time and a whole lotta prayer before I will be able to master my self control.... but it is so much better for myself and for my family to just let it go. I don't know why it took me so long to realize what I already knew was right, but I am looking forward to a better marriage and life because of it :) This is one learning curve I hope to never experience ever again (except I will, because I'm hard headed like that)!
headband c/o Sew Much Baby