Thursday, February 6, 2014
I didn't expect this.
I remember hearing friends/family/strangers comment on how sad they were each time their kid's birthday rolled around. I also remember rolling my eyes while thinking, hello?! You knew your kids would grow up when you signed up to be a mom! It's a good thing to be able to watch your kids learn, grow, age, etc. Right? Right!
Then I got pregnant. Time could not go fast enough! I wanted to shout our news to the whole world! I was dying to know the gender! I wanted to "show" so that random strangers would ask me when I was due! I wanted to snuggle my precious baby in my arms and kiss her face as often as I wanted! Then my wishes came true. She was here!! I snuggled Mia and smothered her in kisses! I loved waking up each day knowing I had my sweet baby to spend each hour with. Yes, there were rough times! I was sleep deprived, I experienced the most physical pain of my life thanks to nursing (and a real thanks to the epidural for making delivery a dream in comparison!), I had body image issues (that were resolved as soon as I was able to take action), and the list can go on. But life was good! For the most part I was able to solve the problems that were making me unhappy so that every day with Mia was just the best! And then my heart started breaking. And it continued to break as time went on! And I had zero control over it.
My momma heart is so full of emotions, extreme highs and extreme lows. To be frank, momma emotions are crazy, cray I tell ya!! I remember thinking that the first two weeks of Mia's life were the fastest, yet longest weeks of my life. Hard to explain but I think I can blame that on sleep deprivation! From then on, time kept speeding by and I couldn't make it slow down! A lot of moms cheer when their babies reach milestone ages and accomplishments! My momma pride was all over the accomplishments, but the age? My momma heart could hardly take it! I never cried, but I died a little inside each time Mia reached a new month. I dreaded the holidays because that meant Mia's first year of life was almost at it's end. I couldn't fathom my baby not being a baby anymore.
Then Mia turned one. Time had flown by too fast! As family trickled out the door when Mia's party ended, I experienced crushing pain in my chest. I didn't know what to think of it! It became harder to breath and the weight on my chest intensified. Eric didn't know what to think of what was going on, and as the pain spread to my shoulders and neck, a dear friend told me she suspected I was having an anxiety attack. Oh Em Gee, guys!! This is so not me! What would make my body turn on me this way? Suddenly it clicked. I was beyond heart broken that Mia was one year old, and I didn't take advantage of the time like I should have. It's no secret that I'm obsessed with my daughter. She's the best part of Eric and me, how can I not be obsessed? But I look back and realize that I still let other things (like a clean house or folded laundry) come in between my time with my baby. Yes, life must go on when we have children! Yes, the house must be cleaned, the laundry folded, the body needs exercise, the errands need to be ran, the food must be cooked. But can it be put off for 5, maybe 10 more minutes when Mia is bringing me a book to read to her? Or on the rare occasion that she falls asleep in my arms, can I spend an extra 20 minutes snuggling her instead of racing to catch up on my shows? Yes, it all can be put off a little longer.
I suspect that the more Mia grows, I won't be any less sad. And everyone can roll their eyes at me, because I knew this would happen when I signed up to be a mom ;) But I can do my best to seize the moment so that for the most part, I won't have regrets when I look back. I never expected to experience so much heartbreak in the same exact moment that I would feel the most joy in my life. But I wouldn't trade the crazy emotions for anything in the world. I didn't expect how much I would love being a mom, so I will take the heart breaks that come with the packaged deal... and I'll just do my best to handle those situations with more grace in the future :)
Posted by Courtney B at 4:29 PM