Thursday, February 6, 2014

I didn't expect this.


I remember hearing friends/family/strangers comment on how sad they were each time their kid's birthday rolled around. I also remember rolling my eyes while thinking, hello?! You knew your kids would grow up when you signed up to be a mom! It's a good thing to be able to watch your kids learn, grow, age, etc. Right? Right!
Then I got pregnant. Time could not go fast enough! I wanted to shout our news to the whole world! I was dying to know the gender! I wanted to "show" so that random strangers would ask me when I was due! I wanted to snuggle my precious baby in my arms and kiss her face as often as I wanted! Then my wishes came true. She was here!! I snuggled Mia and smothered her in kisses! I loved waking up each day knowing I had my sweet baby to spend each hour with. Yes, there were rough times! I was sleep deprived, I experienced the most physical pain of my life thanks to nursing (and a real thanks to the epidural for making delivery a dream in comparison!), I had body image issues (that were resolved as soon as I was able to take action), and the list can go on. But life was good! For the most part I was able to solve the problems that were making me unhappy so that every day with Mia was just the best! And then my heart started breaking. And it continued to break as time went on! And I had zero control over it.


My momma heart is so full of emotions, extreme highs and extreme lows. To be frank, momma emotions are crazy, cray I tell ya!! I remember thinking that the first two weeks of Mia's life were the fastest, yet longest weeks of my life. Hard to explain but I think I can blame that on sleep deprivation! From then on, time kept speeding by and I couldn't make it slow down! A lot of moms cheer when their babies reach milestone ages and accomplishments! My momma pride was all over the accomplishments, but the age? My momma heart could hardly take it! I never cried, but I died a little inside each time Mia reached a new month. I dreaded the holidays because that meant Mia's first year of life was almost at it's end. I couldn't fathom my baby not being a baby anymore.
Then Mia turned one. Time had flown by too fast! As family trickled out the door when Mia's party ended, I experienced crushing pain in my chest. I didn't know what to think of it! It became harder to breath and the weight on my chest intensified. Eric didn't know what to think of what was going on, and as the pain spread to my shoulders and neck, a dear friend told me she suspected I was having an anxiety attack. Oh Em Gee, guys!! This is so not me! What would make my body turn on me this way? Suddenly it clicked. I was beyond heart broken that Mia was one year old, and I didn't take advantage of the time like I should have. It's no secret that I'm obsessed with my daughter. She's the best part of Eric and me, how can I not be obsessed? But I look back and realize that I still let other things (like a clean house or folded laundry) come in between my time with my baby. Yes, life must go on when we have children! Yes, the house must be cleaned, the laundry folded, the body needs exercise, the errands need to be ran, the food must be cooked. But can it be put off for 5, maybe 10 more minutes when Mia is bringing me a book to read to her? Or on the rare occasion that she falls asleep in my arms, can I spend an extra 20 minutes snuggling her instead of racing to catch up on my shows? Yes, it all can be put off a little longer.
I suspect that the more Mia grows, I won't be any less sad. And everyone can roll their eyes at me, because I knew this would happen when I signed up to be a mom ;) But I can do my best to seize the moment so that for the most part, I won't have regrets when I look back. I never expected to experience so much heartbreak in the same exact moment that I would feel the most joy in my life. But I wouldn't trade the crazy emotions for anything in the world. I didn't expect how much I would love being a mom, so I will take the heart breaks that come with the packaged deal... and I'll just do my best to handle those situations with more grace in the future :)

30 comments:

Linzi Scarsella said...

Your love just radiates out of your blog! You are truly genuine and I appreciate that sooo much! Mia is a gem and I can understand how you want her to stay small and be your lil' babe. You'll always look at her that way, promise.

Kim Matheson said...

Nopenopenopenope. I TOTALLY agree. Our little dude is six months old next week and I am so torn. I am thrilled at the little person he's becoming and I love to watch him grow and develop, but it is heart-wrenching to watch the days just whiz by. It's incredible! Such an experience.

I do not yet have a toddler on my hands, but I can tell you that I will cry when my little man turns one. Absolutely I will cry. (Happy as well as sad. Of course.)

I love your blog, just so much. :) Your posts, and your little family, always make me smile.

Danielle said...

YES!!! I sooo feel you!!! I thought I would never be "that mom". I AM THAT MOM. Milo started walking and I cried. I lOVE every new stage and also cry at every new milestone. I was crying over newborn pictures the other day. But also looking at videos of him clapping and waving and crying over those too. (can you tell I'm kind of an emotional wreck?:) He's almost 1 and I wish I could relive every day over and over and that he could be every age every day. I mean, is that so much to ask?

Diana @ from rags to northrich said...

Such sweet feelings! You are so blessed!

life as Mrs. said...

aw i totally wanna say everything your first commentor said! I am already crying now thinkng about her turning 1!! :(:(

Ashley @ Words About Waverly said...

Totally agree, Courtney!!!!! It's a crazy thing, being a mama!! You are a great one. :)

wordsaboutwaverly.blogspot.com

Tara said...

I definitely feel a lot of the same emotions! I always knew I should be celebrating each new month and milestone... But there is always a little bit of dread, too. At 16.5 months we are nearing the end of breastfeeding, so that's what I've been crying about lately.

Thanks for sharing your heart on your blog. I love your honesty.

Ashley said...

ugh, I totally feel ya on this one. It's such a weird feeling being sad as your child grows and learns new things. Matix just turned 2 and I was full of emotions. Now he is saying 3 word sentences and I keep thinking, "where did my baby go?"
I'm so glad we aren't alone at feeling this way!

Amanda - Voyage of the MeeMee said...

I feel the same way about my nieces and nephew. I want them to stop growing. But it's funny because each year brings fun new surprises! :)

Andrea said...

Beautiful mama and baby. I can't even believe how fast my son is growing...he is almost 17 months old now and it all happened SO fast! :(

Stephanie said...

I know what you are feeling! I still can't believe R is already 27 months and we are over half way to meeting Baby 2.0,

Jessie said...

Such a relatable post, Courtney! We mamas all feel that sting, almost daily sometimes. My goal is to spend ten minutes of undivided attention with each child everyday. Sometimes it turns into an hour--reading stories, snuggling, playing. And some days ten or twenty minutes is all I can squeeze in. But I believe, among the chaos that is our daily lives, a little is better than nothing. :) I hope this made sense?

Shauna said...

Courtney you are so cute. Your daughter is so blessed to have a mom like you. You have a great way of portraying the heartfelt with a sense of humor. Love it. Take care,

Shauna

Amanda @ Eloquent English said...

I'm so sorry to hear about having an anxiety attack. I have them quite frequently... I actually wrote a post on it back in September called 'the boggart in my closet'... It's not fun at all and lately I have had them almost weekly.... For different reasons obviously.

Feel free to reach out if you need anything. xoxo

A Thousand Words said...

I know this is going to be me, I get sad when another month passes because I love knowing she is nice and safe inside me and I will never get that back. How's that for cray?

Ashley @ ladyacray.blogspot.com said...

Sounds like a whirlwind of emotions, and I know I'll be the same way! Not only does that little Mia have you wrapped around her dainty fingers but she has all of your bloggy friends totally wrapped too :-) She is just too precious.

Lindsey said...

Time is a funny thing, isn't it. What's weird is I've always been a super emotional person, but surprisingly I haven't been a crier through Liam's life--this far. Maybe that will change when he gets older, I don't know. It's weird though, huh?

m&msmommy said...

I know EXACTLY how you feel because I felt it with Manuel and Mia and feel is SOOO much with Maci since she is our last! :( I notice myself, literally trying to stop her, when she tries to hold her own bottle. I know that sounds SO crazy, but I know how quickly time flies on it's own, I don't need her trying to be an overachiever and hold her bottle or reach any milestones for that matter early! Totally, totally crazy as I type that out, but it's the truth, so I completely empathize with you! :)

Ashley @ ladyacray.blogspot.com said...

Sounds like a whirlwind of emotions, and I know I'll be the same way! Not only does that little Mia have you wrapped around her dainty fingers but she has all of your bloggy friends totally wrapped too :-) She is just too precious.

Alyx said...

I am so sad that it's coming up on summer, because that's when Elsie turns one. I totally get where you're coming from. It's exciting to watch her learn and grow, but it's also so sad that she's turning into a little girl instead of a baby. IDK, the whole thing just makes me a little heartbroken. I'm not ready for her to grow up!!!!

Kirsty and Seth said...

I can understand that. I think it hits me the most when I look back on Caleb's baby photos and I can't believe how quickly that time has gone by! Everyone warned me it would but I don't think I really believed it at the time!

kirstyandseth.blogspot.com

Jamie @ You Gotta Have Hart said...

I totally understand the way you are feeling here and I suspect I will feel the same when I am able to REALLY experience being a Mother. Lots of prayers for ya Mom!

Crazy Shenanigans-JMO said...

Aw, I'm glad you guys can spend so much time together!

Crazy Shenanigans-JMO said...

Aw, I'm glad you guys can spend so much time together!

Crazy Shenanigans-JMO said...

Aw, I'm glad you guys can spend so much time together!

Crazy Shenanigans-JMO said...

Aw, I'm glad you guys can spend so much time together!

Crazy Shenanigans-JMO said...

Aw, I'm glad you guys can spend so much time together!

Alisha said...

This is absolutely precious, Courtney!! I'll be there one day too, and I'll be the emotional roller coaster upset that my baby is growing up too fast ha!

xoxo
Alisha

hello erin said...

i LOVE THIS. seriously. i'm actually embarrassed to admit i'm still an eye roller- although i don't roll my eyes at you because you put this all into a normal perspective :)

Katie said...

This made me tear up. The love you and Eric have for Mia is obvious. She will always know how much her parents loved her from day one. You and Mia truly are best friends :) and it shows in every post you share and every story you share. She is such a happy girl.

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